Setting Boundaries, Tough Conversations and a $25 Million Profit Split | Elite Performance Podcast #34

Itamar Marani 0:00
Welcome to today's episode. In today's episode, we're gonna be breaking down a case study of how to set boundaries, have tough conversations and hopefully get to a $25 million profit split like one of our alumni has done. So what we're going to be breaking down today is what he was doing before, what was the change enabled him to have these tough conversations and set his boundaries so we can achieve a result of getting a $25 million profit split. Now this podcast is a bit of a different one that we're going to do as a workshop. Also, slides are available. So if you're listening to this on a podcast device, you can also watch it on YouTube and see the slides himself or at the end of it, I'll give you a link where you can actually download all the slides, and all the things you need to actually workshop this yourself. So with that said, let's get started. What we're going to be covering today is one, why we have unproductive arguments and often struggle to get others to respect our boundaries to how we actually contribute to that we can take responsibility, three question how we view boundary setting, and does it actually have to be a combative thing. And finally, a more productive framework, which again, you'll be able to download at the end of this episode. So first off, let's start with doing the opposite. Let's figure out how we can make sure that we build up to an unproductive blowout. So this would be a great formula on how to build up that unproductive blowout. First, don't speak up when something bothers you. Just keep it locked in, let it penned up, then give vague signs that you're unhappy with what's going on. But don't tell people exactly what you're thinking. Then build up resentment about the situation, but place blame on other people. Okay, so even though you're frustrated, what's going on, you say I'm going to be frustrated, that person is going to blame him, then get to a point where you're emotionally volatile, narrow into binary thinking and have an outburst say it's my way or the highway, this is how we're going to do it or not playing anymore. And then finally, not get respected. Because people will say, Oh, he was just being emotional today. She was just being emotional today, whatever it may be, you know, dismiss what you said and how you feel because you think you're in your feelings. So that's how to not build towards something productive. This is how to have an unproductive blowout. So let's talk about real estate Terry, which is an alias. So he was in the arena program and basically asked him in the past, what was the situation and he said, You know, I don't like the deal structures, my current partners, but in the past, I've already gotten frustrated, I've told them it's not fair. And I felt like I was taken advantage of but I got upset, I had enough. And I came to the conclusion that I can't go on. And I told myself, you know, either accept my new terms, or I'm going to quit. And he brought it up to them in a very heated and combative way. And he basically told them like, Guys, me, my terms are I'm out. And when he said it like that, and it was again, much more enthusiasm, let's call it, they didn't take him seriously. They just waited for him to cool down. And they kind of emotionally reassured him. And it just kind of happened again, and again. And again, he was getting frustrated to say like this a second time has happened. I've had a blowout to try to bring it up, but nothing actually gets resolved. So here's the truth. When you're resentful, you're emotional. And when you're emotional, you do not communicate effectively. It's just what it is, even if all the things that you're saying are very clear, because you're emotional. And because you're resentful, people are going to recognize you know what, he's being aggressive right now. She's being combative, right now, they're not going to feel like you're trying to solve a problem, and they're not gonna want to communicate with you, because you feel like you're going after them. So what we have to do is to make sure that we don't build up this resentment. So we can bring things up in a cool, calm and collected manner. So building up resentment, let's talk about it. It's basically a factor of frustration over time. That equals resentment, the amount of frustration and the amount of time will build up to a lot of resentment. So for you guys listening and not watching this, there's kind of a graph here. Basically, on one axis, there's time, and then another axis, their frustration, and then there's a middle line that goes up through them the diagonal, that's resentment. So basically, the more time the more frustration go up, the higher the resentment goes as well. Now, most people without recognizing it, they have a certain line, that they give themselves permission, we call this permission line, that only once they get to a certain level of frustration, do they give themselves permission to speak up, say, Okay, once I'm a little bit frustrated, it's okay, I can take that, I just accept that. But now, this is a really, really, really big deal. And it's already taken a couple of years. So now I'm going to speak up. But when they do that, they're already at a certain level of resentment that's really hard to hone in and not just get frustrated and blow up at. So here's the deal. This is what they actually learned with me and my wife, we come from very different cultures. And I had to recognize for a long time that she wouldn't give herself as much permission to speak up when something was a one out of 10 frustrating for her as I would. So I wouldn't anticipate that this is something that I'm doing is really bothering her because she wouldn't speak up. And it was something that we had to work through to make sure that I could read her better and be she felt more permission to speak up earlier, so that she wouldn't get resentful or frustrated at me. While I didn't know it. So let's talk about what Terry did wrong. Terry didn't speak up about what actually bothered him. He waited for a certain amount of years before it actually hit his frustration line, and he gave himself permission to speak out but again, it came out very aggressively because of it. And by that point, he was very resentful. So less than one of what we're doing today, it's crucial to assert a boundary. Before we get upset. Once we're already upset, that boundary probably isn't going to get respected. So again, lesson number one, it's crucial to assert a boundary before we get upset. So what I asked Terry, when he was in the program, I asked him specifically, have you had a conversation with them about this already. And again, he said, I had a conversation with them that it's not fair. But I wasn't very clear, and they kind of charged me through it. So again, let's go back to the framer of how to build an unproductive blog first, he didn't speak up for a while. And then he gave vague signs that he isn't happy with what's going on. Now, the reason that happened, it was because he wasn't actually very clear on what's going on. And if you're not clear on why something does or does not work for you, it's unrealistic to expect others to accept that. So here's the deal, we always negotiate in life, it's a big part of it. And if I'm not clear on why I'm negotiating, why something is important, me and what I actually want out of it, I can't expect the other side to come to an agreement and actually understand that as well. So lesson number two, if you're not clear on what you want, and why don't expect others to respect your boundaries. Because you're actually very, very weak boundaries. If you don't actually know why you want to uphold these boundaries, others are actually not going to respect them. So let's talk about like this. Why do we resent other people? Think about it this way? Do you like to feel trapped, or powerless? Is that an emotion you enjoy having in your life? Probably not. Right? Now, what do most humans not you but most other humans find a more convenient one to take extreme ownership and responsibility for the situations in life, or to to place blame on others. It's number two, that's what we all naturally default to. And if you dislike a person who has power over you, you'll feel trapped and resentful. However, if you dislike a situation you're in, you, all of a sudden recognize that you have the power to change it to different things. Now, we naturally default to putting blame on a person saying this person is doing this or that. But what could be more powerful is to say, You know what the situation that I'm in that involves this individual is not something I want to be a part in. So therefore, now I recognize I have the power to change it. It's the power of instead of blaming a person, understanding that I'm in a situation that I don't like, it's a very powerful difference. Now, Terry resented the people instead of the situation. It's why he felt trapped and powerless and got emotional. I what we often do when we feel threatened in life in general. Now, it's understand what caused the tipping point and why things change is that during the program, one of the main things we do in the arena program, we help people understand what are their subconscious fears to draw them to make to take certain actions don't actually serve them, they're not aligned with what they say they actually want. And Terry realized that he had a big fear around rejection and abandonment. And that fear caused him to not speak up. His subconscious wanted more to not be abandoned, then actually wanted to have that cash that result, so to speak. And because of that, because of that fear of possibly being abandoned by his business partner, then be rejecting him when he actually says what he wants, he'll have a lot of time and frustration built up, and therefore he was very resentful. Now, this is why it's so powerful to understand what's actually going on in your subconscious. Because the resentment is probably because you're not giving yourself permission to speak up. Because there's something there. There's some kind of belief structure there. And there's some kind of fear that's holding you back. So rule number three is no your fear, or your fears will control your fate. It really is that simple times. So let's go back to the framework. First off, again, he didn't speak up, he waited a long time, he gave vague signs that he's not happy, wasn't clear on what he wanted. Then he built up resentment about the situation but placed blame on other people. His fear of abandonment caused him to think this business partnership is what he must accept. And therefore he felt trapped. And because he felt trapped, he felt really resentful, and frustrated. So rule number four amateurs resent people, pros accept responsibility for situations they resent putting themselves in. They take that responsibility, that ownership, it's a big thing. And for him, this was a turning point. So

Itamar Marani 9:16
why did Terry not have an outburst with Take it or leave it implications after feeling trapped by the situation? Because again, he realized all of a sudden, he wasn't actually trapped. This is the big thing. His turning point was that he recognized you know what, I don't have to be stuck in this situation. So instead of getting stuck, and getting to a point where he's emotionally volatile, then narrowing to binary thinking and having an outburst and then not being respected because he was just emotional. He was able to understand the situation as it currently was, wasn't a long term fit for him. And he was able to be at peace with that because he recognized you know what, it's just my fear of abandonment. And that fear of possible rejection is another thought of this. And I don't have to be a victim to that. And he no longer felt powerless all of a sudden, he didn't feel the need to get there. defensive and aggressive and Jaron Lanier irrational. So, here's what Terry did. He had a tough conversation with himself first about what he was okay? And not okay with. He got very, very clear on that. So he couldn't charm him out out of his logic. He's like, No, this is what I want is what I'm okay with. This is what I'm not okay, with. got very clear on that. First he took responsibility, then, except that he's not trapped, and that it's not binary. He said to himself, even if the partners say no, we can figure out when when wind down strategy, while we all find better fits in life and in business. And then he felt more empowered and less resentful. So he scheduled a meeting and had a productive and assertive conversation, instead of a combative and emotional argument. And because he was able to do things all the right way, and really assert himself, and this is the big thing, he got to $25 million profit split, which is amazing. So what we've covered so far, is one why we have unproductive arguments, and often struggle to get others to respect our boundaries. And how we contribute to that question, how have you boundary setting and again, recognize it doesn't have to be combative, it usually just is combative, because we wait so long that we get to a point where we're frustrated and resentful. And finally, a more productive framework. So the workshop, but for you guys, this is where I suggest you now figure this out. If you're having a place where you find yourself struggling, perhaps not in business, but in your personal life, or whatever it may be to really assert yourself. And to feel like I can have a tough conversation, I can assert a boundary. First ask yourself, What's the one main issue where you feel their boundaries aren't respected around something that you perhaps have a feeling of resentment or frustration around, then except that it's a situation, not a person. And this is tough, it is really difficult. It's not natural to say I'm going to put the blame on myself for getting myself into this situation, instead of just blaming another person. But the more we can do that, even if it's not the actual truth, we can just decide I'm going to take responsibility for this, the better off we will be, then clarify what you're okay and not okay with I your boundaries and why those are what they are. This is really important. You can't have boundaries that are meaningless, you're going to say, Oh, this is my boundary, when someone asks you why you can't explain why. You have to be able to tell yourself and tell others, why these are your boundaries, why this is important to you, then accept that you're not trapped. And understand also, what's another side of it possibly not being a fit and make peace with that, that might be a reality, and you have to make peace with that. And then feel more empowered and less resentful. Recognize that this is a situation that I can get myself out of, I'm not just the victim here. And this other person is the bad guy that I can't do anything about. From there. Set a deadline to have a productive and assertive conversation instead of a combative and emotional argument. This is really big, to actually say I'm gonna set a line in the sand, I'm going to say this is the time I'm going to bring this up. And I would like to talk about this. And then hopefully it results not guaranteed, you can also get that $25 million profit split. Now, again, that was today's podcast about how to set boundaries, have tough conversations and a $25 million profit split. Two main things. First off, you can get the slides for this and you can get the actual prompts that we have here at the end. If you just go to the links below. And also on top of that, if you're not clear on what your subconscious fears are your subconscious beliefs that could be holding you back. That's a problem. This framework is probably not going to help you if all those things overpower you. If your subconscious overpowers your actually logical brain, not allowing you to do the things that you know you shouldn't be done. So if you want to get clear on that you have to be one of the subconscious beliefs that could be holding you back from having the tough conversations, setting your boundaries and having hopefully a $25 million profit split. You can go check out the military grade mindset course it's in the links below. It's the quickest and most impactful way to uncover exactly what could be holding you back from achieving what you want to achieve. I hope today it was helpful guys, and I'll see you on the next episode.