Avoiding Holiday Friction and Mindset Regressions | Elite Performance Podcast #14

Itamar Marani 0:00
Welcome to today's episode, guys and happy holidays. So today we're doing a special episode around the topic of the holidays and how a lot of people go back home. And the negative side of that, especially when it comes to mindset. And how people can have certain regressions is they revert back to old thought patterns, old habits, old identities that they hold, and how they can affect us and what you can do to mitigate that. So first off, welcome Emil, thank you for joining.

Dr. Emil 0:24
Thank you for having me. As soon as you mentioned what we were talking about today, a was insured instantly interested, it was like we are this is very, very relevant. So I'm looking forward to this one.

Itamar Marani 0:36
Yeah, so here's the deal. A lot of times, when we go back home for the holidays, people have this kind of weird feeling. It's sometimes frustration, sometimes it's a bit of confusion, sometimes you just kind of go way off their normal path. And a big thing that people don't understand is how much our environment affects us. And when you go back to your old environment where you grew up, and this is, especially if you're staying over, for example, you go to your parents home, where you grew up, and you stay in your old room, you're gonna revert back in some ways, unless you're extremely aware, and making a lot of efforts to combat that. And it comes from one, just the way your brain associates, the old environment, remembers, oh, seeing this thing, this is how I behave, seeing this thing. This is the thought and idea and identity that's connected with it. And then there's also so this is the physical environment, but it's also the people around you, and how they behave towards you, because of what they remember you. Or how you were when you were younger, when you were smaller, whatever it may be, and then putting that expectation on you and you kind of taking that on. And we'll go ahead,

Dr. Emil 1:44
and just gonna, you know, add to this and reinforce it. So when I went back to see my parents, it was this, this regression to childhood like, yeah, they would treat me in a certain way, and call me like childhood names. And then I would almost like stop throwing my toys out the pram and start fighting with my brother and like behaving like a child and like stepping out the house afterwards. I'm like, wow. So you know, this is very, very real. Yeah, just wanted to highlight.

Itamar Marani 2:17
Yeah, the double data, that the reason I'm also bringing it up, because I really noticed myself doing that as well. I was like, Oh, this is the thing. This is a very interesting thing. And I didn't actually notice it in real time. But I remember feeling frustrated. For me, it was the big thing. I was like I felt that wasn't being respected. And it was upsetting to me, because like, I shouldn't be respected more for who I am today. And what I've done a lot of accomplishing and the kind of person I am and so on and so on. And I was I felt like I was still being viewed for who I was, despite all the work that I've done. And me not understanding what's actually going on there on a conscious level just created a lot of frustration. And it basically stopped me from being able to enjoy the good parts about it just because of that frustration there. So I think first off to double down on what Emil was saying. It's a natural thing. So it's not to ask yourself, will this happen to me? It's, How will I feel this?

Dr. Emil 3:15
How much will it happen?

Itamar Marani 3:16
Exactly. Exactly. So that's what we're going to talk about today. I have some things on my agenda, I kind of want to cover a meal do many things you want to cover on this.

Dr. Emil 3:28
I'm going to riff on what you're saying you've got the structure, and I've got plenty of things I want to jump in about. Just sort of point straightaway here. There's multiple layers of depth as we kind of touched on. So I described the, the regression to childhood. And that's the most obvious perhaps because there's these behaviors, these names that your parents used to call you that kind of thing, like, you know, endearing names. Yeah. And, and that's almost the most harmless because it's, it's chill. It's the more ominous, insidious ways that this manifests in terms of exactly what you described, you're not being treated in a certain way. And there's many potential reasons for that. And it might evoke a lot of emotions, but I'm not going to jump the gun, you start and I'll jump in.

Itamar Marani 4:12
But I think it's a great place to start, honestly. Because there is harm in being called those childhood names. Because then we start behaving like that without recognizing it. It's a weird thing. We just associate Oh, when I'm called this, this is how it used to behave and it's triggered. It sets us Oh, I'm being called by this childhood name of my by this pet name and deer name, whatever it may be. And then all of a sudden we find ourselves acting like kids, honestly, not taking responsibility over things. actly and Amelia, you're shaking your head and I get that too because I also felt embarrassed about it. Like why didn't just act like a child. And it's weird.

Dr. Emil 4:51
It's comical. You can literally walk through the door as yourself. They'll call you something and you'll start screaming up the stairs and Because of something else, and then they'll shout at you for leaving a dish out. And then everything has dismantled like this in seconds.

Itamar Marani 5:07
Interesting. So in my case, it wasn't as severe as that. But I just felt myself, I've done a lot of work to become a better person. And all of a sudden, it's because I hold myself to a certain standard of the person I want to become. And all of a sudden, it wasn't me being focused on the kind of person I want to be. It was me focused on how does little Itamar behave, and then, and then just basically fixing all my behavior around that old patterning. So I think the first point that I really wanted to bring up is awareness of yourself, to recognize that this is going to happen, unless you're very conscious of it. So then the first most important thing to avoid having this kind of regression or frustration, or whatever it may be, is to be aware that this is a thing. So when you go back home to see your family, especially if you're staying over whatever it may be, be very aware and almost on guard about this, don't fall back into those old patterns. And I'm not saying don't be comfortable, don't enjoy your family don't honestly also enjoy your parents love or affection, your sisters, your brothers, whatever it may be. But just be aware that you still want to behave like the person you want to be. Don't give yourself that kind of subconscious permission, just revert back to the ways you were. That's the first thing that makes sense.

Dr. Emil 6:22
Yeah, yeah, I can add another piece here straightaway is to set the frame of expectations of why you're going back. And if I'm jumping the gun, do tell me but that's great. Well, I went on a vacation with my parents. And I beforehand set the expectations of what I wanted to happen. And this was me doing this for my parents and to spend time with them, which meant the priority was that we had a nice time together. So my ego, my needs, my requirements, took a second place so I could spend time with with my parents. And when I set that expectation, I enjoyed the trip infinitely more rather than me trying to make things a certain way or, you know, instill my will on the situation. Now,

Itamar Marani 7:10
yeah, that's a great point. This kind of ties into my second point. The second point is the awareness of others perception of you that they're going to put certain expectations on you, because you're their child. And what's interesting, you're saying about the trip, what I noticed, sometimes my parents is that when we meet up, so we live in different countries, and they live back home in Israel, we have moved to Thailand. So when I've met them, for example, in Greece, we've all taken a family vacation together, we've met each other there. And how they interact with me is very different than how they interact with me when I'm in their home, where they raised me as a child. And it's because they're probably not aware that they're seeing me when I walk through the door of the family home, as Itamar, the 12 year old, or they Euro, or the 18 year old or whatever it may be. And when we were in Greece, it was a completely neutral place. So they were just able to see me for who Itamar is today. And so a big thing is one be aware of yourself and to be aware of what others have their expectations of you, their viewpoints of view, and that they're probably going to, again, without any malice or ill intent, they're going to project that. And it's something you need to be cautious of to not accept. Because a lot of times when people have their expectations of us or projections of how we should be if we're unintentional, we'll just accept that. good ways and bad ways. So this is something to really be aware of to figure out what are other people's is going to be what is their expectation are we going to be?

Dr. Emil 8:40
And in regards to that setting boundaries around those expectations, like if they are treating you in a way that is not appropriate, or you're not happy with then setting that as a line? Yeah.

Itamar Marani 8:56
And this leads me to point number three, change it, accept it or leave it. That's what you got to decide a lot about this. If it encroaches a certain boundary of yours, we're saying this is not okay. You gotta decide, am I going to change this, and we're going to have a conversation with them being like, Hey, this is not okay. This is not what I want. And you could honestly also figure out a lot of times that they're not doing this intentionally. They're just not aware that this is going on. And just having a very caring conversation can lead to just a lot of gains and stuff, much more positive situation. So first, you got to ask, do you want to change it? If you have that conversation, and you recognize you can't change it? Then you got to ask yourself, Am I willing to accept this? Or do I want to leave it? I do know people who don't go home for the holidays for that reason, because their family don't allow them to shed the old version of themselves. And they put that on them they box them into this is who you are to say you know what? It just It doesn't help me in life. It doesn't make me feel happy doesn't make me feel connected. We we choose not to go home for the holidays. But that's the question we have to ask ourselves If we have that conversation, if we explain, and it's people are still wanting to change, and we're willing to accept it and still say, Okay, this is one thing that's not enjoyable, but the overall grand picture is, this is still a good experience for me, I still want to see my family, I still want to have this connection, especially if we have kids, I want them to know their grandparents, their uncles, and aunts and all that kind of jazz, or is this not? So you got to ask yourself, change it, accept it or leave it.

Dr. Emil 10:25
This is where again, I can give some real life insights and context for this, it's good to have examples. So I often don't spend a huge amount of time with my parents, because of this reason and others. But when I did do that trip, as I said, I did it because I wanted to spend time with them, you know, parents are getting old. And that's why I said, Okay, I'm going to accept a lot more. Because this is for them, this is less for me and more for them and the entire experience. And that meant me surrendering to the experience allowed it to be much more enjoyable than if I was resisting and trying to win every battle. Now, if things do come to a point and align, then change it, and and try and change it. And the thing to remember is if you are being projected on and being made to feel or behave like a child, you can't try and change it like a child would. Yes, exactly. You have to bring your full adult growth awareness and say, and set a boundary like another adult, and that can be hard with your parents, if you treat them like your parents and like your superiors or whatever, no, you have to treat them like an equal, and just have a very calm conversation, I found that I've had multiple of these conversations with my mom, especially over the years. And initially, she resisted and now she's like, Okay, I understand he's an adult, and she's learned how to behave to me as an adult.

Itamar Marani 11:50
This is such, this is a whole subject in and of itself. But it's such a, an important one. Because if, first off, it's the part of not seeing your parents, I think people get frustrated a lot of times, because without recognizing the view these their parents as these all knowing figures, who know everything, and they need their approval from and all that. So whenever they box them into an old place, it gets so emotionally heated, like this person who I want approval from and is obviously if super intelligent, super great. Whatever it may be, they're not giving you this. And the moment, we can switch that and see our parents as human beings. So for me, it was really learning that it's not mom and dad, it's Rachel and hot. And Rachel and hot also have their limitations. So I can have these conversations with them. And I can try to change them and things. And they'll be open to it if I do it in the right way, which is difficult, because there's a lot of times this frustration there. But they can't We can't change some of it. But also the moment I recognize that it's not just Mom and Dad, it's Rachel and a hug. And that's when things can change. And I can accept certain things because they don't poke me as much. When that doesn't respect what I do, for example, like are I perceived that he doesn't respect what I do, because if it's an online business, I don't have 1000 employees, I don't have a physical location business. And he was a CEO at large companies. And it's very different to him. And he also doesn't really understand what this whole mindset and talking about emotions is from this call a different generation. He was a wartime officer in two wars in the 60s and 70s. When he was my dad, I was just like, why do you not approve it? Why can't I get your respect? Why are you not willing to see this? I'm making such a big impact. It's a very profitable business, I'm doing all the right things. When I looked at him as odd, and I understand the context of who he was, and what he was trying to stretch, as far as that, all of a sudden, there wasn't that angst, that tension there. The recognizing for my father, that's what I really want. But from a hub, he's a human as well. He's done an amazing job being my dad raising me and we had an amazing relationship all the time growing up, there's recognize, okay, he's a human being as well. He also has the edge of his limitations. And doing that to both change it but then also accepting it by removing the pressure of them being mom and dad just seeing them as allele and a HUD, Rachel and ohada in English, in English terms, that freed me in a lot of ways to be able to then again, enjoy the whole thing. Because before that, before I was able to accept it, there was so much tension there. Because I was putting my wants on them as mom and dad as my parents, instead of being able to see them as their own individuals as human beings. For me, that was very freeing.

Dr. Emil 14:43
This could easily be a whole conversation in how to interact with parents and

Itamar Marani 14:49
that was great. Maybe we should do this. So first off side note, if you guys want us to do one of this, we can break it down because this could be a very interesting podcast. So shoot a message either to me or let me and we can. We can figure out Let's talk about that. But that's the only part I want to talk about. First, you gotta be aware of yourself about how you're going to interact with this environment, just even the physical environment of your old room, that's going to have certain mental associations that when I see this, this is how I used to behave. So this I'm going to behave again, if you're not aware of it, if it doesn't find something that you're really cautious of not standing guard at the door of your mind, so to speak. The second is being aware of others perception of you, and they're going to have a certain expectation of you. And it's going to be your responsibility to make sure you don't fall victim to just living up to that expectation. And then it's the whole change accepted, believe it. Can you change it like Emil said, by having conversation can change again, all the way to 100? If yes, great. If not, and you're still up somewhere, there's still a gap there, you can either accept that gap. And for me, the thing that really helped me accept that gap was not putting unrealistic expectations on other human beings. I, Sally and Ohad, their their own individuals, they're not perfect all knowing mom and dad. And by doing that, that allowed me to accept a lot of things, or if that's not a reality for you, to leave it. Now, I will say this, leaving it shouldn't be the last resort. It should be like for every psychological study says that having a disconnect from your family, it's a tough thing. So I do think it should be a last resort.

Dr. Emil 16:26
And to jump in that, yes, it 100% should be a last resort. And there's often things that you can do to make it still happen and still work. So setting expectations, firmly and early and very politely. But also, for example, like maybe don't go and stay in the house or in your old room, maybe get an air b&b or hotel nearby. Right now, maybe it's short trips for, you know, a day a month as opposed to staying for three weeks. Because, you know, maybe three weeks is what you've done in the past. But that drives you crazy, maybe two, three days, even if it's more expensive, even if it's inconvenient. Like, again, you're doing this for the connection, you're doing this for your parents, you're doing this for yourself and your well being, as Itamar mentioned studies. So make it happen, and we have money, generally people who, who are guessing on this podcast, use it.

Itamar Marani 17:27
I'm so happy you brought that up, because honestly, I didn't think about that. But it's so true. Literally, when we're going to Israel, right now we're staying, we have a hotel, for the holder way in there. And naturally, we were just gonna say my parents a couple of days or this or that. But it's like why we just got to hotel, we rented a car, we're doing all this. So that we can just make sure that what we're doing is only the things that we both both sides, both us and them. I think also a lot of times we don't recognize as our parents get a bit older. It's They love having us around, but it's also more work for them. And it's something to be respectful of say, Okay, if we can be at a hotel, the whole family, and then just come see you guys. And we literally we've planned a budget, we're just whenever we come to their house, that's all just order takeaway from really great restaurants, I don't want to put that burden on my mom to feel like she needs to cook or anything like that. How can we make this as enjoyable as possible to remove a lot of the friction from that. So I'm really happy you brought that up. That's a great point.

Dr. Emil 18:26
curating your environment, for me is a key thing. And if you can do that, in this context, which you can

Itamar Marani 18:34
win this, and this is the things you remember, when you were a kid, you didn't curate your environment. Now you're an adult going back into that childhood environment, but you can curate it. And that's a big thing to remember to not fall into that default. Like we were saying, Oh, this is just my child at home. This is our things are here. Yes, is what it is. Yeah, great point that I really appreciate you bringing it up.

Dr. Emil 18:54
And the worst thing that can happen is you're like, Well, you know, I if I stay in my room, I'm going to revert to this and it's going to be shipped. So I'm not going to do it. Much better to set and you might upset your parents not staying at home, but much better to do that. Set the boundary early, firmly and super politely and then improve the relationship in the middle and long term. Yeah, no.

Itamar Marani 19:17
And I think just having that conversation and literally just saying it from their perspective, Hey, guys, I don't want to be a burden. I know a lot of us are going to be there that I think it just be a win win for everybody. We're just gonna stay at a hotel nearby. We're gonna see each other all the time. But when you guys want your space, it's easy for you to have your space you don't feel like you have to host guests now. And vice versa. And just having that open conversation. It's very difficult because there's a lot of concern. Are they going to be upset? Am I offending somebody and all that but it's worth it.

Dr. Emil 19:47
And, you know, there's always ways of having the conversation and putting it in in a way that they they're not offended. And you can say hey, I'm gonna have some cause like really late a few of the nights. And for that reason, it's going to be easy. If I stay away, you can say 1,000,001 reasons. So again, just plan in advance and just have this and be firm, don't if they see a chink in the armor, then it's going to cause more upset an issue and pressure, have the hotel booked, say, oh, you know, we've already booked it. But look, next time, we'll We'll reconsider, and then they'll see that it's good. And then it'll be easier next time. So there's this countless ways and when it won't go into detail.

Itamar Marani 20:30
Yeah. And also, if you're listening to this episode, where it's already the holidays, you can still do that. You can use they'll figure out hey, guys, this could be a great idea. What do you think? So that's basically how to preempt and how to deal with it in real time. Now, what's important is we're going to segue into the next part of this is that when you come back from the holidays, you don't have an identity hangover. I see a lot of people, they're crushing it, and q4. And then the holidays happen, and they go way off track. Because they have this identity hangover. They forgot who they are and the standards they hold themselves to, and how they're supposed to be acting with themselves with others, and they revert back to who they were. And it's something really important to understand. If there's going to be some spillover, you have to accept that. Our environment is extremely strong, and how much it affects us. So when you go back home, what you have to intentionally do when you come back to wherever you are, is to kind of do a reassessment. Okay, let's reset. Let me reset my standard and my thoughts. And recognize, again, that awareness, just stop and say, Okay, there's probably been some spill over here some identity hangover. How do I set myself on the right path again? That's a really, really big thing to do. Even if you just stopped for On the flight back. If you just think, okay, how do I want to be acting? When I get back to mind my home? Not the old childhood, but my home? How do I want to be? It can make a massive difference, just that awareness and that intentionality of stopping, say, Okay, what I want

Dr. Emil 22:06
a nice way to frame this is just to have a debrief. And yes, also, to debrief how you behaved during it. You said, Okay, well, I went in with this intention, but you know, it wasn't perfect. But that's fine. It's okay. We still had a good experience in the thing, what can I do next time XYZ. Maybe I'll try the hotel thing. Maybe I'll frame it this way. Great. Okay, now I'm heading home. Straight off, I'm going to be back in my environment. So that's a big plus. But what other behaviors was I exhibiting while I was there, which weren't optimal that I need to just be extra watchful for? In these first few days back to not let them? Stay with me?

Itamar Marani 22:42
And also take on principles for the next time? Because you're gonna go home next year? Probably whatever it may be. Reflecting That's right. Yep. So that's the main thing, a couple other things I want to say, is just like, we all would like for everyone to see us for who we are today, not who we were, I have the open mind to give others that opportunity as well. So if a relative of yours if somebody else from whatever it may be your childhood that you bump into, don't pigeonhole them, don't put your version of who they were onto them. But try to be open minded and see them who are they today. Don't ask for others to give you that if you're not willing to give it as well. I think that's a really big thing. And it's an opportunity to really uplift your entire family group, whatever you want to call it. But you're giving people the space to show them and themselves and their new capacity and who they are. Instead of everybody just staying back in the old days. Phil kind of smiling, laughing at his why is that?

Dr. Emil 23:49
I because I have nothing to add that, like I That's an interesting idea and concept. And I'm trying to think of, you know, advice or how I might approach it. And I'm, I'm intrigued to try it when I go back this year.

Itamar Marani 24:03
Yeah, and this is both from, I don't want to say positive and negative. But it's kind of like that, to also accept that your parents, especially if you're getting older, and that means your parents are getting older. Also, again, see them for who they are now and see that they're different, they might need more help. They might be getting more frustrated, because they don't know how to say hey, I need more help, or hey, I'm getting tired. And you being able to think about that and not put this expectation on them, which then causes them to feel frustrated because they don't know how to express it or they're not even aware of it. It can go a really really long way just making the whole situation better. And kind of the main thing I want to see to say here is don't end up letting the frustration of people not seeing you for who you become. Spoil the event and all the good parts of it. Even if you don't feel like you're being seen, even if you made all this effort to improve your yourself, if people aren't seeing it, don't get focused on that. Like, don't let that ruin the whole thing for you. Just again, the whole change it on itself and accept that it's not going to be perfect. But there's also a lot of great parts and going home. And that's why we do it.

Dr. Emil 25:16
Yeah, just to add another layer to that previous bit. You you've made the personal changes, you've built the business, you've done all these things for yourself. You don't need approval from other people, you know, it might be, again, a childhood habits, that you sought approval from friends and family back at home, you don't need it anymore. So yeah, it would be great if they could perhaps, note it, but it's not for them, it's for you. And just being aware of that does make it easier, because you're confident and happy in yourself what you've achieved, and you've done it in its own right. Yep.

Itamar Marani 25:54
Whilst that sevens been wanting approval and needing it, you don't need it, we all want it. That's the route we all want it respect, but it's recognized, you don't need it. And if you don't get it, it's not going to be frustrated and ruin the whole event because of I don't wanna leave it on that note, honestly, for me, this was a big lesson this past year, when we moved back to Tel Aviv for a while. And I first didn't notice it in myself, but my wife pointed this out. She's like, you're having a bit of an identity regression here. And for me, this was a whole process of learning how to set expectations with my environment, how to not get frustrated for people in my old environment, for seeing me as the old Itamar and not the new Itamar that I've worked so hard to become, and also have myself catch myself to not regress. And for me, this is going home, I'm looking at as an opportunity to really grow. And to see how can I conduct myself as this newer, better version of myself that I'm trying to become, within this circumstance, within this new this new old environment, it's called this different environments old environment. And I'm, instead of dreading like, oh, people are gonna look at me like this, you're not gonna do that. This is just another opportunity for me to go. And like how you said, to not need these things, I'm going to want it of course, I'm going to want I'm gonna want to have a great time, I would love to be fully respected and fully seen, but I don't need it. And that's why I think this upcoming trip that we have, is going to be much, much better, and it's gonna be really enjoyable. And I think, again, this is to clarify, like, I have a great family life, we have great connections, it's just not 10 out of 10. Like everything is I'm just hoping this time, it could be even better, because I don't put any more of my own stuff onto those relationships. Everything that

Dr. Emil 27:38
I just Yeah, I wanted to just add a little bit about you mentioned parents being you know, imperfect humans. And when you have grown and built businesses and done personal development, it's almost remembering that that's above and beyond what is normal for a lot of us, right. And when we go back to our old environments, often we've surpassed our old environments, and therefore looking for approval from from that you don't you really don't need it. And there might even be insecurity or ego on other people's parts specifically, so they don't want to give it to you, especially siblings, whoever you want, perhaps competitive with. So look at them with kindness and you don't need it, you've probably done better than them. And and that's fine. And that's awesome. And yeah, take it take it for what it is.

Itamar Marani 28:33
Yeah, it's interesting, because we come I can tell we're coming from different situations. Your experience with entrepreneurship and surpassing, let's say, your family, is that correct? You've surpassed basically your parents financially. Yeah.

Dr. Emil 28:45
Is that correct? 100%? For sure. Yeah.

Itamar Marani 28:48
So for me, it's kind of the opposite. Like my father was extremely successful. And in all parameters, Harvard MBA, he was the CEO of billion dollar companies, and I never got a college diploma. And I went, Yeah, exactly. It's exactly that. Exactly that. So for me, it's really important to recognize that easist he's not going to understand my path. But and that's okay. You know, I mean, like, my path, I'm really happy with it. I'm really content I know, and how profitable the businesses, I know how much of an impact it's making. I know how much it's serving me and my family and again, serving other people as well. And it just, that's what I meant by accepting that he's not going to see that and I don't need to be frustrated. Why can't he see me and restocking? Good. It's just different. And that's okay. I still love him. He still loves me. That's that's one thing. One vertical in our relationship that I'm not gonna get probably not gonna get honestly. So I'm not gonna let that one vertical spoil everything. And that's what I felt like sometimes almost did in the past. And that's what I want to be conscious up on this trip coming home. So, on that note, whether it's coming from a place of the and passion like a meal, or from you saying, I'm not going to spoil everything over this one thing that I think I need, now that I want, but that I think that I need. Go home, enjoy the holidays. But be aware whether you are with us that you don't put others expectation and accept them onto you. And again, when you come back, take that time to debrief, stop and assess. So you don't carry that hangover with you. And aside from that, we'll wish you a Happy Christmas. Happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa. Anything else we're missing as part of the holidays?

Dr. Emil 30:34
Just holidays. Happy holidays.

Itamar Marani 30:36
Happy holidays. Enjoy. Have a great new year, and we will see you guys on the next episode.