Clarity for Entrepreneurs | Elite Performance Podcast #22

Itamar Marani 0:00
What I don't see a lot of people doing is saying, okay, you know what, let me actually think, how do I want to feel on the inside and then work out from that. And reverse engineer, okay, what's going to be necessary in order for me to get that feeling? It could be pride, it could be fulfillment, it could be peace, it could be happiness. But instead of saying, What do I want, say, How do I want to feel, is what you think you want, what you actually want. So today we're going to be talking about is the whole subject of clarity, it's a big word that gets thrown around a lot. And what we're going to uncover today is how you can achieve a better sense of clarity on is what you're going after in life, or really make you happy, fulfilled, proud, and so on? Or is shiny objects actually going to distract you and not lead you to that pot of gold, so to speak. Now with that said, Welcome, Dr. Emil.

Dr. Emil 0:46
Thank you, thank you, I'm very, very good. And this is a super important topic. Because if you don't know where you're going, then there's no benchmark for the actions that you take each day. And likewise, if you're going in the wrong direction, then those actions are inevitably suboptimal. So looking forward to this one.

Itamar Marani 1:05
I think that's, I think it's all true on an external level. And beyond that, on top of that, also, on an internal level, I think it creates a lot of angst, then I have clarity on what am I actually trying to do? There's this feeling of I feel lost, I feel unsure, I procrastinate. It's all these things that happen, because you're not actually sure what you want. And I think beyond the fact that externally, yes, you will, of course, get poor results, because you don't know where you're going. And totally, it's it's an unpleasant sensation.

Dr. Emil 1:31
And that sensation may exist, even if you have a beautifully drawn goals sheets for three months, 12 months, three years, five years, 25 years. Because, you know, as you said, initially, that might not actually be what you want, you might have just done an exercise in one of these random books that you've read. Because you think you should.

Itamar Marani 1:53
Yeah, okay. So this is awesome, because it leads me right into the first point I wanted to make. So I think most people go about getting clarity on what they want. From a wrong perspective. They go about it from an outside in perspective, instead, from an inside out. And here's what I mean by that. Most people say that they want certain things, they want to accomplish this, they even want to have this kind of relationship. They want this business, this relationship, this kind of health, whatever it may be. The reality is that they think they want these things because they will lead them to feeling a certain way. And that feeling is what they're actually after. And what I don't see a lot of people doing is saying, okay, you know, what, let me actually think, how do I want to feel on the inside, and then work out from that? And reverse engineer, okay, what's gonna be necessary in order for me to get that feeling? It could be pride, it could be fulfillment, it could be peace, it could be happiness, whatever it may be. But instead of saying, What do I want, say? How do I want to feel? And then from that figure out, okay, what actually needs to happen for me to be able to feel that way? That's different for everybody. I think that's the first crucial mistake I see people doing, because they're just going about things that they hope will somehow make them happy. But they've never really gone through the process of asking how to actually want to feel. And will this do that? So they're starting from the outside and instead from the inside out? Sorry, go ahead.

Dr. Emil 3:17
And will this do? That is a very good question. Because often our external goals end up being heavily heavily influenced by society and what is validated for, which means that they can be someone else's goals, whether it's parental or social media, or society at large, whatever you want to say.

Itamar Marani 3:37
Yeah. So we're gonna get into that as well, because I have a couple. A couple of interesting workarounds for that.

Dr. Emil 3:43
So let me just let me just drop in a book here. There's wanting by Luke Burgess, which talks about mimetic desire, which is how what you actually desire comes from the people you hang out with people around you. And it's just a very interesting take on this whole.

Itamar Marani 3:59
So let's shelve this for about two minutes, because that's actually what I want to get into. That's right. Let's go. Alright. So first off, for clarity, I think it's a really big term, I like to break it down into two things. The celebrated pretty big, but just to make it a bit more tangible, there's, what do you want out of life? And then what do you need to focus on for the next six months, the next season of your life? So you have clarity on the high level on what do you want? And then on a more tangible level, okay, what I need to focus on for the next six months to give myself as best of a shot as possible, to build up towards that. Okay, I think a lot of people, some people do have a big vision of what they want in life, but they don't really recognize what they need to be doing day to day in order to make that happen. And some people are just focused on what's in front of them right now and not thinking where it leads to. And by doing these two things, it puts it together. And it's very good. It's very pragmatic, which is the goal of pretty much everything I try to how I try to operate. So that's the first thing. You got to figure out what you want to life, and then you got to decide Other than okay for the next six months what I need to focus on. And we're going to talk about this as well. So with that said, before we talk about the mimetic desire, and all that kind of stuff, I want to talk about two common mistakes I see people make when they're going about this. The first thing is anchoring what you want for your future. Because of your past, the people that I've seen really be able to explode out and have this amazing life are the ones that aren't really connected to saying themselves, Well, this is where I came from. So this is what I'm allowed to do. But this is what I'm, it's possible for me to have. And this isn't just an external level, like, oh, I came from a relatively poor family, and I can go to a wealthy family. But it's also I saw an example of parents that had bad relationship. So if I just have an okay one, that's amazing. The people that can break free from them. So you know, actually want to have a really fulfilling relationship lovingly, I want to feel loved, they want to feel cared for, I want to feel appreciated. Those are the people that you can break through for that those of you that have amazing success, that's one not anchored in what you want from your future because of your past. To is limiting yourself, and what you want to what you believe you're currently capable of. You have right now is not going to create the future for yourself, that's you have a future. And it's a weird thing. But we got to recognize that even if you not if you're not capable of doing something, it doesn't mean the future you won't. And that's a big thing. People sometimes say, Okay, this is what I think I'm capable of. So this should be my goal. But what you're actually capable of right now is irrelevant. We can grow, we adapt, we evolve. So I think these are two things that are really important to have front of mind, when you're going through this kind of exercise. To recognize that you're naturally going to be pulled to say, Okay, well, this is what I know. So this is what's possible for me, as far as anchoring your past and your future. And also your thinking in terms of what could you right now achieve and have? Like, the reality is you might just need to evolve and change. And that's perfectly fine. Because we're humans, and we're capable of doing that.

Dr. Emil 7:08
Yeah, and both of those are heavily influenced by your environment, and people around you.

Itamar Marani 7:15
Yeah. Alright, so with that said, let's go back to the mimetic desire. So that's a big one. I get asked that a lot. How do I avoid mimetic desire? mimetic desire is usually a more visible thing, it's an external thing. I've seen it less so with people trying to imitate how they want to feel. I mean, like, for example, people want to imitate Oh, I can pose next to a Lamborghini that's really, really popular. What's less popular is, oh, I want to feel really fulfilled. I want to feel at peace. Now, yes, there is obviously a trend there. But it's a lot less, we're a lot more susceptible to trying to imitate things that are very visible. It's called like manmade things, certain accomplishments, things we can brag about. golfer,

Dr. Emil 8:05
yes, for sure. And, you know, social media and circles, who you who you hang out with help with that. There is a case to be said of. And the other thing is that that feelings are much less flashy, they're much less exciting. So it's, it's less, you're less likely to gravitate towards them. But that doesn't mean that you can't create an environment of mimetic desire to how you want to feel.

Itamar Marani 8:36
Yes, you can again, I agree with you, it's not 100% thing. Yeah, that's one thing. I'm just gonna like, we're kind of pulling the thread a little bit. So that's the first thing. The big question that I found that really helps me, myself when I think about these goals, and am I saying, is this for mimetic desire? Is this to prove something, whatever mirrors it actually, for me, is ask myself, if nobody knew that you succeeded, and you weren't able to announce it? To anybody? Would you still want that's a big one. If you couldn't announce it to anybody, you can even tell me on Instagram, how woke you are with your spirituality and how calm you are and how peaceful you can announce that even. It was just for you only for you. Would you still want it?

Dr. Emil 9:24
I love that as a litmus test. It's very, very powerful.

Itamar Marani 9:29
Yeah, it sheds it goes right to the truth. Because you can actually, I, I want to impress some people with that. Or I want to do that because I think they'll gain the status and they'll make me feel good about myself. Whatever it may be. The moment you recognize and ask yourself, would I be able to do this? What I want to do this if I wasn't able to announce it, anybody no one will ever know. It it's a bit different.

Dr. Emil 9:54
I will just add to that to say that I don't think you can escape or avoid mimetic desire. So what you can do is try to influence the people that you gain it from. For example, if you're constantly on Instagram, looking at supercars and live in a place where all your friends have supercars, then you'll want to supercar No shit. And if you realize that that isn't actually what you want, because for example, if you couldn't post about it, you wouldn't want it, then starting to change that environment that you're in is is honestly much more effective and realistic than saying, Yeah, I'll live in this environment, I just won't want these things. It's, I think, from that, from what I remember of the book, and correct me if I'm wrong, but mimetic desire is just how we are built. Since

Itamar Marani 10:45
I didn't read the book, it's a concept that I've heard of. But yeah, I agree with you. I think what you're saying is absolutely true. It's basically just don't make your life difficult. Yeah, we talked about addition by subtraction is remove yourself from an environment that makes life difficult for you. It's just that

Dr. Emil 11:02
so your your environment, heavily, heavily influences you, and the outcomes. And the magic is that you can influence your environment. So you create the environment to create the outcomes that you want to allow yourself to be influenced to the outcome that you want.

Itamar Marani 11:20
Yeah, the way I've heard that I really like is that the environment strongly affects the brain, but the smart brain can actually choose its environment. That's really the way to go around it. Yeah, that sounds great. So like we said, first off, would you really want it if you couldn't announce it? And I can be able to say, also, if you're in an environment where this is an uphill battle, change that environment, make it easy for yourself, don't make it difficult to please. So now, we go on to the whole. Okay, let's start working this out. So workshopping up, and let's first figure out, how do you want to feel about life, about yourself, about the kind of life that you live the kind of person that you were a way to kind of flesh that out? Or what are the big things that are important for me. Or some people I want to feel heard, I want to feel connected, some people want to feel proud and accomplished. Some people want to feel authentic. Because that's my main job. That's really what I want. Some people want to feel content, that piece of you, I just want to feel really happy. I want to enjoy it. I think that's the first step really figuring out and flushing that out. How do you want to feel? Because once you can do that, we start reverse engineering and say, Okay, what needs to happen in order for this to be a reality? So any questions about that park?

Dr. Emil 12:38
One thought, which I don't I don't want to take this whole thing off on a different mission. But do you think that we ultimately all want to feel the same way? And we just, it's difference in wording that makes us think that it's different, for example, is it peace and contentedness that we all want? I mean, some people will call it happiness, some people will call it fulfillment, self actualization, but is it that feeling that we all ultimately want?

Itamar Marani 13:07
I think, and this is not a, an extremely well thought out answer, not a strong belief I hold. I think we all want a certain array to say that there's 1215 feelings, whatever you want to say that we all want. And for some of us, there's some of those that are more lacking. They're the bigger constraints. For some people, it's a sense of accomplishment. For some people, it's a sense of peace, for some people a sense of authenticity, because they weren't able to be authentic, because they have so much issues around that. And that's why some people are saying, you know, I already have so much of the stuff in place, that this is the thing I really want. That's what's missing. So in subconsciously, they want all the 12 or 15 feelings, whatever you want to call it, we all want the same thing. But some people will gravitate towards more one thing or the other, because that's what's missing for them to relive this complete life so to speak. Does that make sense?

Dr. Emil 13:57
It does, I'll just add one more angle. And then we can perhaps leave it because it's it's something that we can maybe think about. But I think to a degree, there's a level of Maslow's hierarchy, or something similar to that, that you need to kind of fill up the lower gaps to get to the top gap. And also, again, it's semantics. So what you talk about authenticity, that might be the the path to get to peace, because you're not living your authentic self so that the end goal is the same the peak of, again, Maslow's hierarchy, there's just one idea of how it might look. But there's different routes to get there. So you're basically identifying as you say, what the restraint is to get to that ultimate level. I mean, I like this because it just tidies up this whole whose concept but yeah, it doesn't change what needs to happen, essentially.

Itamar Marani 14:44
Yeah, that's great. It's cool. So we forgot how do you want to feel? Then after that, we got to ask, okay, what do you want? What do you want in order for that to be a reality kind of family At a business out of personal, the Self Realization things you can say I'm proud I did. And also fun of enjoyment things you can say I happy I did. And finally legacy if that means anything to you and think and start figuring out, okay, if these are the things I want to feel what needs to happens, what needs to happen and this different these different fields? I mean, it's I guess I would say here what

Dr. Emil 15:24
I've been thinking about this a lot and journaling about this a lot. The other the alongside exactly what you've just said, you know, family and enjoyment and whatever else. One way to look at it is how you want to feel is to get to the end of your days, and not have any regrets. And then to reverse engineer, what would a life of no regrets look like? And then plan out how that might. Look what things you need to do at different stages to achieve that

Itamar Marani 15:57
is interesting, because I do it. The next step we're going to talk about is regret. Yeah, because here's the thing, I feel first people need to figure out how they want to feel, and then what's going to make that happen. But then also create certain guardrails to make sure that you don't fall off and go too much into one extreme, for example, somebody going, we talked about business law, it's very easy to get sucked into it. It's extremely tangible. You can see Oh, more numbers, more success, more dopamine, whatever it may be a and people can then end up regretting that they missed out on a lot of things was family, personal relationships, and fun, and so on, and so on. So I think it's first of all, figuring out how you feel, and then asking, Okay, what do I want in the different areas of life that will give me that feeling? Then what's also my safety guard guardrail, so to speak, things that I don't want to regret to make sure that even while I'm pursuing all these things, I don't miss out on the main thing.

Dr. Emil 16:55
Yeah, this is less Exactly. And realizing that at different ages and stages of life, different things will be more or less accessible, eg backpacking around Europe in your 70s is less of a thing, perhaps. So maybe do it earlier, rather than be hustling in your 20s 30s? And 40s? Maybe, yeah,

Itamar Marani 17:18
yeah, that's such a good point. Because that, for me is also something I can't see, I have to remind myself, because I've done this, because I've also asked myself, What do I not want to regret? You know, what's the point of building tremendous wealth? If I'm not seeing a ton on a day to day basis, and seeing how he grows and evolves as my son, seeing how he grows and evolves? Like, is that really worth it? And we're going to be happy about that. When I'm 17. I'm looking back that, oh, I have a couple more zeros in the bank out. But I missed out on his this phase of his life. And I think recognizing these things that you don't want to regret. And also make sure that again, you don't just get distracted by things, you're actually able to think about the big picture.

Dr. Emil 17:56
Yeah, there's a book die with zero talks about this concept. If you die with 1,000,010 million in the bank, then not only have you wasted 10 million, but you've wasted the hours it took to earn 10 million in your 20s and 30s. And for me that that got me deep, because I was like, wow, because there's not a 10 million in the bank. I don't care if I die with that. But that time in my 20s and 30s, like wow.

Itamar Marani 18:26
For me, honestly, the having kid was ultimate one. Because the saying I read this says that every night your kid dies, because it is the man it's like the next morning, they're a different person. And it's amazing. Like, I'll just go sometimes I'm very proud that I get to work from home. Like the home office is right next to the house. And I sometimes go in the middle of the day after he's taken his nap. I'm like, Dude, did you get bigger while you nap for two hours? It's they grow at such a crazy rate. And it's it's such a thing. It just smacks you with reality in your face, seeing a little kid grow up. Because you recognize that if I just go do this, and I missed this part out, I've missed that part. It's done. It's not there anymore. So for me, that's, that's been the biggest. It makes that very clear. It's very easy to see that.

Dr. Emil 19:19
Yeah, I reverse engineer this whole exercise. And again, that book goes into life buckets. So at different stages of your life, you have different things you want to achieve. According to age according to wealth according to time freedom, and I literally went backwards and went through everything.

Itamar Marani 19:36
That's great, man. I need to read it too, honestly.

Dr. Emil 19:38
Yeah. Cool. So

Itamar Marani 19:39
we got that we looked at the really high level of what do you want? What do you want out of life? How do you want to feel? What do you want? What do you need to make sure you don't regret? So while that's really big and lofty, we also got to boil that down to something pragmatic and actionable. So this is where you got to figure out okay, this is what I want. What should be my Northstar? How should I be thinking about this next six month next season in my life, in order to give myself again, a great chance at achieving that accomplishing that. And you have to figure out basically a standard to hold yourself to this word difference. Most people think this clarity, something aspirational. It's like, No, this is a standard, and you say, if this is what I want, this is a floor. This is not the ceiling that I aspire to. This is the floor, this is the bottom line. This I'm going to hold myself to this kind of standard of behavior. Because if I do that, it'll give me everything that I want. They'll enable me to feel what I want to feel. And this kind of standard that you're setting is supposed to affect your behavior, your thoughts, your boundaries, and the actions you take, on a very practical level. Is this making sense so far?

Dr. Emil 20:44
Yeah, then the extra practical part is super important.

Itamar Marani 20:52
And it has to put you on the hook, like this standard, it has to put you on the hook. It can't just be something aspirational that, oh, I want to live my best life. It has to be something where like, okay, when I'm facing a difficult decision, I don't know what to do. If I remember myself this the same day said it hold myself to, I'm going to make that decision is going to actually serve me in the long run. Now, I don't want to get too much into this because I don't want to create any confusion about this. But for some people is quotes. They have a certain quote that rings true to them, that I got this my standard and somebody else will not understand it, but it'll make complete sense to them and hold them on the hook. For remember, Scott, we had a Scott on the episode for his the big ones, I'm better than that. For some people, it's live every day with full integrity. For some people, it's even slow is smooth, smooth is fast. This your mind has actually I need to slow down and do things the right way.

Dr. Emil 21:52
For some it's effortless flow.

Itamar Marani 21:54
Effortless flow. Exactly. But I got a new tattoo by the way. That's why he's young enough. For some people, it's easy choices, hard life hard choices. Easy. That's simple, when we all know Who Dares Wins, don't ask, don't get all that kind of jazz. And for some people finally, it just kind of prompt some people think a lot more linearly. And these quotes, some resonate with them. And they have these very clear, duck, duck, duck, duck duck, if you think of these kinds of like, fill in the blank ways. For example, I'm going to read some examples from arena alumni, somebody wrote, I want to achieve my full potential as a human being because that allow me to enjoy my old age and not look back in any regret. In order to do that, I must put myself out there. Someone who was an introvert knew that's what was denying him the success and the fulfillment and pride that he wanted. For other people's I want to achieve my full potential as a human being and realize the full graph that my intellectual gifts and our do so I must overcome myself beliefs and false limitations, because only then I'll teach you personal power. And you can see where this kind of stuff, it puts them on the hook. They know what they should be doing. All of a sudden boils down for something very aspirational and very kind of woo feeling a little bit more soft, to be very clear and tangible. Amen. If this is really what you want for your life, this is how you got to conduct yourself. This is the standard you got to hold yourself to now you got to aspire to but the standard, the bare minimum, you got to hold yourself to. And I think when people do that, after six months, they start embodying these things. And then they say, Okay, now I'm at a higher vantage point, I've accomplished more and a higher Hill in life, so to speak. Now, if this is still what I wanted that today, what's the next standard? What's the next standard and slowly kind of you build? You build a new building you build? Does that make sense? Yeah, so you're smiling?

Dr. Emil 23:40
No, I mean, like I joke about my new tattoo, but that is literally what happened. I used effortless flow as this word, which means different things to different people and won't work for everyone, as my core concept. And we've spoken about this before, but for me, it was about hustling less than having more fun. And then the pinnacle of that was at the end of this year, I decided to go to Guatemala for New Years, and stay there. And that for me was me flowing whereas there was so much resistance with that because it wasn't going to be optimal and it wouldn't be able to work and I was like Yeah, but what is the point in life? And so cars are good. No, no go Who

Itamar Marani 24:18
is this is a great point because what I keep saying with this stuff, it should poke you like that pokes you because it makes you feel comfortably like I should work. But actually now I should it makes you make uncomfortable decisions that you know will actually serve you

Dr. Emil 24:34
Yeah, because my default decision is to optimize for work and to you know make every vote you know get everything perfect for this but that's just because that's always what I've done in the past rather than what I will I regret it. Will I regret it? Yeah,

Itamar Marani 24:49
so the I use kind of a three question filter to help people make sure that choosing the right standard because again, we can say a lot of things but are these two things actually going to help us be pragmatic and are going to be effective? One, you're gonna think, well, this thing that I'm actually thinking I'm attached to right now the standard, this quote is fill in the blank, whatever it may be, whatever prevented a past a past failure. If I would have had this in my head, would I have not made the bad decision that I made? That's one, two, will it prevent a future stumble? Like for yourself right now, except for flow? Can you think about in the future, you know what, I can see myself being naturally inclined to do this. But if I remember, this is going

Dr. Emil 25:29
to prevent exactly exactly what it is exactly what exactly.

Itamar Marani 25:33
And then number three is, will equate effective focus, as Okay, and I want you to focus on what to do and what's important and what's not for the season. Again, maybe not life in general, but for this season, what's important and what's not. And if it takes off all three of those, you got a winner. And finally, again, like it should poke you, it should put you on the hook, it should force you to do things that are not your default, like Emil said, because that's what you created evolution, you're not just going with it, but actually it forces you to evolve. It puts the truth in your face. Okay. This is what it is. This is what you gotta do. Yeah. Any last questions or additions? You want to put about this you want to say about this?

Dr. Emil 26:21
No, no, it's been said.

Itamar Marani 26:26
So, I do want to add something here that I'm a bit cautious about adding because it's going to be a bit of a curveball. So what will happen all the time is people will do this, and it's super helpful. And they do it for a while. And then they get to a place where they can work on more of their internal stuff as well, their fears, doubts and insecurities and so on. And a lot of times when people recognize is what they think they want isn't what they actually want. It's what they hope will stop them from suffering from feeling something you don't want to feel. And the most potent way to get real clarity on what you want in life is to both do this kind of exercise. And on top of that, also get clear on what your main insecurities are. Because if you can be conscious of what your main insecurities, your main fears, your main, it's called Primal desires are. And you make sure that you're not just optimizing for them. And you can do that through just awareness aspect. Am I just talking to my son because of a fear that I wonder this thing? Or is it because what I truly want, that's when you get true clarity, when you marry these two concepts, this getting clear on what you want for life and the standard, and also being hyper aware of what's your main insecurities, your fears, or your doubts, or your anxieties and make sure that you're not optimizing to not feel these. That's when you really want.

Dr. Emil 27:50
Yeah, and I wonder if, by identifying what you want, or the process of identifying what you want, we'll flag and we'll flag up these these insecurities. And then by examining the insecurities, you'll have more clarity on what you want, which will then absolutely flag up insecurities.

Itamar Marani 28:08
So I can say that with 100%, sir, yes, because I've seen so many people go through this process, like people do this, then that they're like, Oh, actually, this was 70%. Correct. But actually, now that I recognize this stuff was also there, I can see things clearer. I think these things better. So I hope this podcast episode and clarity of voting mimetic desire and think about from a different perspective, was not what you want, but it's how you want to feel helped. And if you feel like this was helpful, but you're also not sure what your main insecurities and vices are, first of all, there's a lot of podcasts we have on this. But also, we have the micro course on the website, it's exactly for that. It's exactly for that identify what are your main insecurities? What are your belief structures that cause you to feel a fear, insecurity, anxiety, stress. So if you can do the two of these together, you can really see a lot of resulting in that course, obviously free. And so aside from that, though, any last word you want to say about this subject?

Dr. Emil 29:08
It's the most important you needed direction to benchmark all your actions.

Itamar Marani 29:13
Yeah. Yeah. You mean? Yes. And I'll add to that as well, that you also it will make you feel better. Having a direction creates calm. Like having no sense of breaks of directions, what creates anxiety was creates a lot of stress. It's why on an external level, people are okay to follow a leader as long as he seems confident, and he's gonna be like, Okay, I'll take you guys here. It'll be all good. And when there isn't a leader, it's just chaos. That's what happens externally in companies military, but it's also what happens internally with us. And once we can have a clearer sense of where we're trying to go and why we're doing it on a deal and of true conviction, or we're doing because they'll help me feel this way that I really want to feel that's when we can be bought in and we can have peace of mind that okay, if I just do these things even They're difficult. I know why it'll make sense. And I got what I want. So I think on that note, we should close today's episode. Awesome. Thanks, guys. Thank you very much, guys. We'll see you on the next episode.