3 Steps To Get Less Frustrated At Others | Elite Performance Podcast #77

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:09:16
Itamar Marani
We're frustrated, but we've created the conditions that we're going to get frustrated in. And instead of saying, like, "Why am I so mad" to get curious and say, "What expectation just got violated?"

00:00:09:16 - 00:00:14:16
Alex De Fina
How to have a toolkit to consistently deploy that thinking?

00:00:14:18 - 00:00:20:00
Itamar Marani
You stop and you say...
What in life is causing you a lot of frustration or anger? You need to change it. You need to accept it or you need to leave it.

00:00:20:00 - 00:00:39:00
Entrepreneurship is inherently stressful. There are a lot of moving parts with high stakes involved, and recently we got a lot of response to our Three Quick Ideas newsletter about anger and frustration.

00:00:39:02 - 00:00:59:23
Itamar Marani
So aside from talking about concepts, today's episode, I want to have it more like a workshop where you can actually gain certain tools. You can immediately implement to feel less frustration and less anger while you're dealing in this challenging environment of entrepreneurship and life in general. So on that note, Alex, welcome to the podcast. Any thoughts before we get going?

00:01:00:01 - 00:01:11:06
Alex De Fina
Thank you. No thoughts on the notion of calm, and I look forward to understanding more if it is human emotions, which I'm aware of these other people.

00:01:11:08 - 00:01:31:17
Itamar Marani
On that note, the reality is that we all get frustrated. We all get angry sometimes if we're in the arena. You could, in theory, go away into seclusion, be a monk, and that is one way to avoid emotional discord. However, if you actually want to accomplish something, you can't do that. You actually have to be in that arena.

00:01:31:17 - 00:01:52:07
Itamar Marani
You're going to have some friction. You're going to have some challenges. And these are things that are going to get brought up. Certain feelings of anger or frustration. Now, the big thing with this is to recognize that just because these things pop up, it doesn't mean they have to drive your behavior like that's what a child instinctively does.

00:01:52:09 - 00:02:17:08
Itamar Marani
You as an adult do not have to. Now, the first of all I want to talk about is just seeing anger or frustration as an expectation alarm. So just simply stop. Instead of saying like a child, he's just angry, he's going to react. You can stop and say, you know what? Maybe this is just me not having a certain expectation of mine being that something isn't matching up to the reality.

00:02:17:08 - 00:02:39:05
Itamar Marani
I hoped it would be or I wanted it to be. And that reframing of just instead of asking yourself, Oh, instead of saying, I'm so mad to being curious and saying what expectation just got violated, it's causing this. It can shift the whole dynamic because again, all of a sudden, instead of just a child who's frustrated and saying, I'm so mad, or why am I so mad?

00:02:39:07 - 00:02:55:03
Itamar Marani
You can be a curious adult who's trying to figure out what expectation of mine got violated or didn't get addressed and therefore it's causing an internal frustration. Any thoughts on that? As before, we had gone.

00:02:55:05 - 00:02:57:01
Alex De Fina
To Sound Face.

00:02:57:03 - 00:02:58:18
Itamar Marani
Yeah.

00:02:58:20 - 00:03:16:08
Alex De Fina
I totally I can I can I can resonate with that. Any times I felt any one of those emotional states was usually when an individual or circumstance has been misaligned to my expectation of of their words, actions or the outcome.

00:03:16:10 - 00:03:26:07
Alex De Fina
Interesting to go deeper into that to find out more about sort of how you break this down. Now, I'm more aware of those emotional states ahead of time.

00:03:26:09 - 00:03:54:17
Itamar Marani
So I do get more aware of those emotional states and actually Fast-Track a little bit. So we want to get we want to become aware of these emotional states when it's still a small reaction, not a giant blowout. That's the first thing. Once someone's and when someone's extremely angry, it's very hard to cool them down when someone is just a little bit not happy with the situation.

00:03:54:19 - 00:04:30:06
Itamar Marani
That's when it's pretty easy to get things back into a calm, neutral state. Right. So the goal here is to be able to recognize when are we starting to get amped up? Because a lot of times we don't recognize how agitated or frustrated we are until we're generally very angry and very frustrated. Now, I think before we get to the tactics of how to actually do this, there is one big kind of principle here that usually people don't give themselves permission to recognize is they're getting frustrated or angry.

00:04:30:07 - 00:05:01:05
Itamar Marani
There is this weird little permission line. If only things get this bad, then I will speak out. Like only if the food of the restaurant is this bad, will I tell the waiter, Hey, can you go change this like it's completely undercooked? This chicken is raw. And because of that, and I think this is a big part of how we're perhaps raise or have society is if don't make a big deal out of that just be okay with it, whatever it may be, even if there's a lot of good insight from saying don't make a big deal out of everything.

00:05:01:06 - 00:05:15:07
Itamar Marani
It also takes away your ability to recognize when things start to bother you a lot because you're basically trained to only be aware of it once. It is a really, really big deal. Does that, first off, make sense or is that a bit confusing?

00:05:15:09 - 00:05:31:14
Alex De Fina
It makes sense how to have a tool kit to consistently deploy that thinking. That's what I'll be interested to look at from your insights as to how would I like frantically, I guess, habitual or is that.

00:05:31:16 - 00:05:54:04
Itamar Marani
An app versus direct question? So first of all, I think it's just that awareness. A lot of times we're not aware that our wiring is that we only give ourselves permission to speak up against something or to course. Correct. Unless has gotten to this very times when I have this conversation with people, I didn't recognize that I don't give myself permission to speak up or to say something's wrong unless it's really that bad.

00:05:54:04 - 00:06:23:02
Itamar Marani
So first of is that awareness that you don't have to wait until it's that bad to bring up a point, something that's frustrating. That's one. Now to get out and place it so there's nothing there. We talk about a couple of times in the episode. It's the ABC trying the whole understanding how do you know when What are the the signs tells that you're starting to get emotionally reactive and we talk about like a is affects of how do I feel.

00:06:23:02 - 00:06:47:00
Itamar Marani
I feel a bit uncomfortable, I feel a bit agitated, I feel a bit frustrated, I feel a bit on hurt or confused, whatever it may be be is body cognitive. So what happens to me physically when I'm starting to feel anger or I'm starting to feel frustration? So for some people it's their chest feels a little tight. For some people, they feel like their neck stiffening their jaw, clenching knuckles for stuff like me.

00:06:47:00 - 00:07:05:13
Itamar Marani
As soon as I clench my jaw and if they're my nostrils, it's a very kind of more aggressive vibe. So what is that for you and where do those things rank? And this is a big thing. So I had one client that we worked through his behavioral things, and one of them, for example, was typing really loud on the keyboard.

00:07:05:15 - 00:07:26:22
Itamar Marani
Another one was slamming the drawers in his desk out of frustration, and another one was that he felt that he were just kind of like, flick his nails a little bit and we said, okay, like what happens first? And then how does it increase? He said, okay, first of all, this placement like nails a little bit. And when it's something, something's not big of a deal, but it's a little bit bothered.

00:07:27:00 - 00:07:54:03
Itamar Marani
Then it started to agitate me even more. I recognize that I started typing harder on the keyboard and only when I'm really pissed, I start slamming the doors when I get something or I slam the doors when I leave the office. So he said, okay, from now on, your goal is that as soon as you notice you're starting to pick your fingernails or whatever it may be, you stop and you say, What's not adding up in my head?

00:07:54:09 - 00:08:13:15
Itamar Marani
Why am I frustrated? And that's the way to do that is by recognizing what are the early onset warning signs. That's how you can catch it early. And I'm sure like we have the in a restaurant, for example, when the food isn't great, there's a time, a voice in our head where we think to ourselves, Should I bring this up this way?

00:08:13:15 - 00:08:21:03
Itamar Marani
I think bringing up this isn't good, whatever it may be. And that's just an example of does that helpful to think about it in that term?

00:08:21:05 - 00:08:23:04
Alex De Fina
Absolutely. Yeah.

00:08:23:06 - 00:08:46:05
Itamar Marani
Yeah, right. So that's point number one is to recognize that anger and frustration. They're an expectation a lot. And if you can view it and this reframe this emotion instead of saying like, why am I so mad to get curious and say what expectation is not getting met, it could change. A lot of it is. Again, you go from a more childish I'm just angry perspective to a more curious adult.

00:08:46:07 - 00:08:52:11
Itamar Marani
What is going on here and you to something about yourself. So in your experience.

00:08:52:13 - 00:09:21:12
Alex De Fina
In your experience, do you have your clients being able to provide like clear responses to that question? I'm wondering what the expectation is. Yeah. So the entrepreneur is like, I'm really frustrated, angry, so great. Yeah. What was your expectation? I don't know. I don't know what my expectation was, but whatever I got, wasn't it.

00:09:21:14 - 00:09:42:04
Itamar Marani
Yeah. So this, it'll lead in, into the second point, but I guess that's a big part of it that we're not aware of our expectations or what we want it to happen, and that is a big part of it. Sometimes we're not aware of it consciously. So your awesome role is your expectation and they'll pause, Huh? I guess it was this or that.

00:09:42:06 - 00:09:59:14
Itamar Marani
Okay. Yeah, that's what it was. That's why I was frustrated. And sometimes those big I don't really know. And that's when they have a very unfair expectation of someone else because they didn't even understand what they wanted and what, what would be required to help agreement like that or whatever. So it's kind of goes both ways, but it's a great question.

00:09:59:16 - 00:10:29:23
Alex De Fina
Yeah. Now, I'm sorry that I found that helpful for myself or business partners, etc. Is if we if we can't answer that question, it can almost become comical because you can you can almost externalize, say, my zero expectation outcome from this and therefore zero game plan to engineer set outcome. It turns out that the magic didn't magically happen and now I feel angry, upset.

00:10:30:01 - 00:10:30:20
Alex De Fina
It's a going forward.

00:10:30:20 - 00:10:37:04
Itamar Marani
It's childish reaction. Yeah. Exact right now nobody understood what I didn't understand. I want and I'm angry that four.

00:10:37:06 - 00:10:37:21
Alex De Fina
Hundred percent did.

00:10:37:21 - 00:11:01:04
Itamar Marani
Not have my nap. I'm cranky and I got to the second point. So I was a part of a conversation where people were talking about tracking employees, remote employees time. And if that's impactful or not impactful. And then one guy said something very, very wise. I think he said this is the same issue that people have as when they come into the workspace.

00:11:01:04 - 00:11:25:05
Itamar Marani
We're just using time as adjacent proxy to outcomes. Now, the reality is that really clarifying what are the outcomes we expect from each employee is hard because we're sometimes not clear on that. We don't know how to articulate it. So it's very challenging. So because it's challenging, we don't do that and we just use time as a proxy for output.

00:11:25:07 - 00:11:49:23
Itamar Marani
And he basically made a really good point that setting standards and creating agreements is hard. And that's why a lot of times we just avoid that and we just have an expectation that people will try their best and do good. And when you can't measure something, you can't hold it. And expectations without standards, they're just destined for disappointment.

00:11:50:01 - 00:12:21:07
Itamar Marani
So I think that's the next big thing about the expectations is recognizing that setting clear expectations and then turning them into agreements is hard. And a lot of times we are frustrated, but we've created the conditions that we're going to get frustrated in because we didn't do that hard upfront work. And again, while it's easy to be childish about it and just get angry and frustrated, say people should do better, it's not really valid if we haven't made the effort, which again is challenging to clarify the standards and turn them into agreements.

00:12:21:09 - 00:12:27:21
Alex De Fina
Do you think it's difficult to clarify those standards because it could be perceived as being confrontational?

00:12:27:23 - 00:12:34:23
Itamar Marani
It's a great question, probably, and I'm assuming that if you're asking it, there's like, why do you think that?

00:12:35:01 - 00:13:01:00
Alex De Fina
Because in in my experience, I think I've improved my ability to like afflicted better words. But tonality has improved. But I do I do have the sense in those conversations that what I'm saying great. What does success look like, how to measure that through numbers, What's an appropriate timeline? What would be the appropriate consequences for this outcome not being generated?

00:13:01:01 - 00:13:36:21
Alex De Fina
Yeah, it's putting a lot of pressure because it's asking, I believe, the most meaningful questions from the individual who's responsible for doing that thing. And it's it's a challenging conversation. But the benefit has been that we are massively aligned on what's on all those variables and should things not go according to plan. Now, I don't need to come in like the angry Boston scene coming of is this is rant and rave and essentially have the other person feel like guys that the boss is mean or personal.

00:13:36:23 - 00:13:59:11
Alex De Fina
It's that you defined this as being the when you say that these are the actions you do this and this and this and it hasn't played out so how are you going to solve it? It's not necessarily sort of giving them enough rope to hang themselves. It's putting the other person I believe in the architect's chair and saying, I'm going to help coach you through this process.

00:13:59:11 - 00:14:01:15
Alex De Fina
You're going to be the person responsible for achieving it.

00:14:01:17 - 00:14:07:08
Itamar Marani
Yeah, a sense of ownership that it's not just on them, but they get to figure it out themselves.

00:14:07:10 - 00:14:33:07
Alex De Fina
Yeah, it does. It does take a certain appetite for hard conversations upfront. And any time in my business where that hasn't played out, so on in a management position, etc., usually we can go back to the top of the street and say, Did you set this expectation, this, this and this and this? They they gloss over those things, in which case I think that the the nonperformance was almost guaranteed.

00:14:33:09 - 00:14:57:07
Itamar Marani
Yeah, that's a really good point. And after you've been a really, really good point there that having these conversations and holding very emotionally accountable. So I kind of give an example, something I recently heard it was a divorce lawyer and he was saying something about prenups and he was saying that the reason most marriages end are to one, people don't understand what they want to.

00:14:57:07 - 00:15:23:03
Itamar Marani
They don't know how to articulate what they want and the other person doesn't understand. And what he was saying on top of it is that surprisingly, when people have prenups, they have like the people in the pool again, they use in the US that have prenups, have a much lower divorce rate than those who don't have partners. And he was saying that the reason is because he's basically taking the time to say this is what we expect from each other.

00:15:23:05 - 00:15:41:14
Itamar Marani
Everybody okay with this? Now, again, that obviously also probably stops certain marriages from happening that shouldn't have been happening. But once that expectation is there, it's clear. And again, this is for business as well. It could stop you from hiring an employee that's not right for you. But having a prenup, talking to a loved one and saying that is extremely uncomfortable.

00:15:41:19 - 00:16:01:23
Itamar Marani
And this is why a lot of people avoid it. But just he said the process of being the kind of person who's willing to do that in order to get that kind of clarity, just that probably puts you in a place where you're less likely to get divorced because you guys are clear on what each other at once and you've articulated, no matter the other person can understand with consequences, with everything.

00:16:02:01 - 00:16:19:18
Itamar Marani
And I think what you made is a really great point that I wasn't actually planning on talking about, but that these tools don't matter if you're not willing to also accept their emotional discomfort that comes while applying them at .11.

00:16:19:18 - 00:16:40:17
Alex De Fina
In general, too, I've been trying to use myself is looking at decisions on a micro basis as is this an investment or tax? Whilst the conversation might be difficult right now, even if I'm using gut feel in my gut, this is this painful conversation now likely to improve X, Y, and Z. If that's the case, then I'm making an investment.

00:16:40:19 - 00:17:05:16
Alex De Fina
But if I once I'm aware of that, if I choose to not have that conversation, I just commit to paying a tax to what significance and when it occurs, I don't know. But I know it will happen. It will likely sort of snowball and come back at an opportune time at a higher significance. So the second I can have that sort of left or right decision making matrix, but I'm aware of it.

00:17:05:18 - 00:17:13:02
Alex De Fina
Is this an invest? Is this necessary or beneficial? Yes. Then I'll make the investment and avoid paying the tax.

00:17:13:04 - 00:17:16:04
Itamar Marani
It's a great it's a great tool. Get me.

00:17:16:06 - 00:17:18:17
Alex De Fina
Right. Thank you both.

00:17:18:18 - 00:17:41:13
Itamar Marani
So now let's kind of go on to that three prong choice of when you're in a situation as you recognize my expectation that get met. We created an agreement. I tried to do this the right way. I was willing to make that investment, but it's still not paying off. So there's something that we talked about in that email, in the newsletter and a couple of people responding specifically about this.

00:17:41:13 - 00:18:05:14
Itamar Marani
I want to elaborate a little bit. Crazy three things. And again, this is not my invention. Change it, leave it, or accept every frustration. You have probably lives in one of these three buckets. You can fix it, you can walk away or you can recalibrate your expectation. So the first thing is, if the situation bothers you and you can change it, great.

00:18:05:15 - 00:18:26:04
Itamar Marani
When there's a clear path to improvement, whether it's training, conversation, clarifying the standard to an even better level because you was just an expectation. That's why I'm angry and frustrated. But now I need to clarify a standard and have that agreed upon. Right. You can change it. Hope is not lost. It was just something about the strategy. That's not right.

00:18:26:06 - 00:18:46:09
Itamar Marani
If you recognize that the costs of trying to fix this outweighs the actual benefit, maybe you can leave it. Or if it's just not fixable, saying the other party is just completely not willing to budge, or if they're willing to budge, but it's going to cost too much. I don't want to have to train this person from zero or to try to change their personality.

00:18:46:11 - 00:19:16:21
Itamar Marani
You can leave it. Or there are certain situations where, even though you're frustrated, I think this is a hard one yourself to accept it because you can say logically, I know this thing about this relationship, I don't like it, but in the overall level it still delivers more value than the friction it creates. And this is something we've talked about in previous episodes that no one's perfect, no employee, no spouse, no friend.

00:19:16:23 - 00:19:39:23
Itamar Marani
But if I can say on the aggregate, the share will be great. And this is just a part of who they are that I am probably not going to change or create change in, and I'm still overall happy with it and I got to accept it. And there's going to be certain points where that frustrates me. But the less I accept that, the more is going to frustrate me.

00:19:40:01 - 00:20:06:10
Alex De Fina
I get a little bit of courage that I think that when we are if we're if we choose to accept the status quo, whether it's a dynamic performance metric, I would think that true acceptance means you no longer punish yourself with the emotional reactions to that nonperformance or the challenge you forfeit because of that.

00:20:06:10 - 00:20:09:03
Itamar Marani
What do you mean by.

00:20:09:05 - 00:20:33:12
Alex De Fina
So if I use dynamics as an example, I've had plenty of conversations with entrepreneurs where they've got someone who's who's not doing the right things or in the right way or whatever. They've got a non-performing staff member that don't complain about a lot, but they have not obviously done the change aspects they haven't or the desire to level and try.

00:20:33:12 - 00:20:35:22
Itamar Marani
To invest in it in your work?

00:20:36:00 - 00:21:07:01
Alex De Fina
Yes, they might have left it. They didn't accept accept it. So it's it's it's kind of like that saying a decision to do nothing is still a decision and that if you choose to do nothing, then it's going to remain the same or deteriorate. And if you're causing yourself internal conflict because frustration, anger about this, look for your employee to remind yourself that I chose to do nothing.

00:21:07:01 - 00:21:36:06
Alex De Fina
I chose to accept this and so if I'm going to accept it, suffering the emotional state as well as a nonperformance is like a double whammy. So I might as well just accept the performance or ship the person out. So I've just found a lot of entrepreneurs stuck in this sort of in-between vortex. Yes. Of of frustrated and angry about the individual, yet not willing to take it to the next level in order to actually get a change.

00:21:36:08 - 00:21:38:12
Alex De Fina
And so they're to is yes.

00:21:38:14 - 00:21:57:20
Itamar Marani
I want to I want to bring that back to the very first thing we said about the permission line. And that's a big part about what it is that we think we can only we have to like change it or leave it once it gets to a certain level of that of frustrating or angry. And it's kind of the the most dangerous place is the gray area, right.

00:21:58:02 - 00:22:16:06
Itamar Marani
Where you don't have to do something. For example, if you don't corner a wounded or wounded animal, because then they will react. And it's kind of the same thing internally. We all have that little bit of mechanism. When things aren't that bad, we'll just kind of let it happen. That's when we'll die by a thousand paper cuts.

00:22:16:08 - 00:22:17:13
Alex De Fina
Yes.

00:22:17:15 - 00:22:31:19
Itamar Marani
But when things we just give ourselves permission to act much quicker and as soon as something pings a little bit like we just got like my client, that little like, you know, fingernail twitching, whatever it may be, Then you say, okay, Emily, what bucket is this? You got to accept it. You got to change it. You got to leave it.

00:22:31:19 - 00:22:52:16
Itamar Marani
What's going on here? Because a lot of times I keep saying that vortex I think that vortex really just exists beneath that permission line when something starts to frustrate us, but we don't really give ourself permission to address it. Yeah, it's like I had this actually with a very one of my nine figure guys, very successful guy, and he also recognized like there's a lot of things he's told himself this story about it.

00:22:52:18 - 00:23:09:06
Itamar Marani
It's just part of being the big boss. When someone makes an offhand comment, just ignore it, move on. But he didn't realize that it was draining a little bit of it bandwidth every time that it was it was annoying him a little bit. And him just taking that one person aside and being like, Hey, man, like these conversations don't do that.

00:23:09:07 - 00:23:26:14
Itamar Marani
That three minute conversation that he did in a very nice way, very cordial way, the employee fully understood it was like crap. I didn't realize it was taken that way or like other people might perceive it as disrespect to your authority, whatever it may be. I'm very sorry. Cleared all that out. It's great to give him something. He lowered his permission like that.

00:23:26:14 - 00:23:34:12
Itamar Marani
He was like, I'm not going to just accept it. I'm going to change it because he didn't really accept it. It was kind of like bothering him. Does this kind of make sense?

00:23:34:14 - 00:24:03:05
Alex De Fina
It does. And I've got a question regarding CTE. So if I look at this internally, so if I can increase my ability to be aware what actions to take, I developed some tactics along the way. That's, I believe is also internal work that I can like level myself up. But externally, what causes, what is the circumstances and what combination that are likely to lead to?

00:24:03:05 - 00:24:29:12
Alex De Fina
Anger and frustration is completely different for every single person. And so if a person I could have hugely consequential situations going on where they are the key decision maker and be operating in a perfectly stoic state, no, no stress or none of the negative social status, somebody else could be having a very low level discussion of it. So inconsequential and be like redlining in terms of anger and frustration.

00:24:29:14 - 00:24:58:18
Alex De Fina
Do you think that the more we we do the internal work at upskilling our mindset and building the skills or the capabilities to then have the confidence to have those conversations or be clear in our communication that we tend to raise the thresholds for what external circumstances cause us to feel that emotional state. Do you as a correlation between internal work and then what external things are more likely to do to cause it?

00:24:58:19 - 00:25:10:03
Itamar Marani
Absolutely. I think it's just like physical training, right? Same thing with your mind. You learn to take on bigger challenges to get accustomed to it. You just move on, actually.

00:25:10:05 - 00:25:10:18
Alex De Fina
And so like.

00:25:10:19 - 00:25:29:22
Itamar Marani
Physical stuff, there's sort of just add to that. But just like on the physical component, there's also momentary regressions if you're under slept, if you don't eat, if you have a lot of stress going on. And it just to be aware of that, what's going on with me, how can I modulate myself so I can get better performance.

00:25:30:00 - 00:25:53:04
Alex De Fina
Right? And so using the athletic analogy in the same way that there's some people that run a marathon every day for, you know, 100 days straight or some sort of crazy endeavor, There's also entrepreneurs who can be out at dinner having a great time making jokes about the party, knowing that the next morning they're appearing in front of Congress.

00:25:53:06 - 00:26:10:02
Alex De Fina
And I've just developed this skill set over time to separate what's going on versus their emotional states. And so the more that I think we could do this through work as we try to level up a business, the greater our ability to to not be forced into an emotional sense.

00:26:10:04 - 00:26:34:18
Itamar Marani
Yeah, I think one of the one of the more how to call it, the more spiritual arena alumni that we've ever had. He and one of the calls he was a little more can I share a poem and ask, okay if it's going to be quick over it and he said, All right, so it goes like this. I walk down the street, I don't see the pothole, and I fall in it.

00:26:34:19 - 00:26:51:20
Itamar Marani
The next day I walk down the street, I see the pothole and I still fall it. A day after that, I walk down the street, I see the pothole, I avoid the final day. I just go down a different street and it's and I thought it was actually very good because it's very similar to what the stuff here is.

00:26:51:21 - 00:27:08:14
Itamar Marani
We just we learn this is a skill. The first time we get really angry, we won't notice it. We'll start shoving, exclaiming the doors or the door like my client. Then the next time what I'm recognizing and I'm starting to be a bit fuzzy will recognize I'm tapping really hard on the keyboard. Wait, wait. Why am I? I'm angry.

00:27:08:16 - 00:27:26:04
Itamar Marani
What? Is there an expectation here? Let me figure that out next time. After that, we notice ourselves playing with our fingernails and recognize I always had this expectation about this or that and honestly haven't made my mind up. If I'm going to change it, leave it or accept it, because I haven't given myself permission to say, You know what?

00:27:26:04 - 00:27:33:15
Itamar Marani
This is bothering me a little bit, so I'm going to do something about it. And it's how you progress with this stuff. And it's a skillset that we build and we build them.

00:27:33:15 - 00:28:14:20
Alex De Fina
We build that skill set, I'm assuming, is also relevant to the game we're playing at that point in time. And so we've got a stoic outlook on our business. Let's say you're generating $1,000,000 a year in revenue of a profit or whatever, and life is good. Should you launch, have you seen get traction some area now that that company goes from doing $1,000,000 a year in revenue to 10 million or 100 windows, but then likely the obstruction, the risks as amplified by a similar or higher degree.

00:28:14:22 - 00:28:30:21
Alex De Fina
And so what we also had a stoic local business at one point in time. If we find ourselves feeling anger, frustration, negative emotional states in models of being a signal that we no longer have the skills relevant to the new game that we're now playing.

00:28:30:23 - 00:28:54:12
Itamar Marani
Yeah, we're just happy with it. I think it's accurate that we're just also not used to dealing with different kinds of pressure. For example, the previous episode we talk about I, I know how to avoid that pothole of me feeling uncomfortable about my decisions. I have not yet learned how to avoid that pothole about me not feeling comfortable with investor money and how to use those just about different kinds of ways.

00:28:54:12 - 00:29:00:20
Itamar Marani
Or it's trying to attack our psychological psyche in our. That makes sense.

00:29:00:22 - 00:29:23:17
Alex De Fina
It does, because I think there's a there's a similar formula here where you look at business, sports, special operations that are the top of town in any of these arenas. As you get closer and closer to whatever that Apex performance looks like, usually as you enter those arenas, everyone is feeling grossly unqualified to be there, and it's a fight every day to maintain that performance.

00:29:23:18 - 00:29:41:21
Alex De Fina
So if that's what true excellence looks like, obviously a never ending cycle of feeling inadequate and just striving to improve every single day, being aware of that emotional cost of injury as you level up those different tiers, I think might be helpful to be able to avoid that. The feeling of I felt calm in the past. Everything was good.

00:29:41:21 - 00:29:44:02
Alex De Fina
Why am I freaking out now?

00:29:44:04 - 00:30:03:20
Itamar Marani
Yeah, and again, I think I go back to this and I see that we have a bit of a different perspectives here, right? I think one of the the biggest inhibitor perhaps is again, that permission like that, when I'm operating in a new level, I'm supposed to be this supposed to be this calm CEO, I should just let this slide or that slide.

00:30:03:20 - 00:30:27:02
Itamar Marani
And again, since I'm from a nine figure guy, I should just let this slide, even though why would you why would you let someone undermine your authority, even if it's just in the joking way? And I can share the story where I learned about this permission line actually had nothing to do with business. It was in jujitsu and it was at a tournament in Rio de Janeiro, and I think it was the semifinals or finals.

00:30:27:02 - 00:30:47:22
Itamar Marani
I don't remember. And I was down on points and there was like a minute left. This was when I was a bluebird and the guy had be inside control, which for anyone who doesn't know jujitsu, it's basically if you're down on points and you're in that situation, it's pretty hard to move if there's a minute left because they can kind of stall out the clock.

00:30:48:00 - 00:31:09:04
Itamar Marani
And I remember in my head thinking like, Oh man, I don't know if I'm going to be able to win this match. I might have to like I'm saying, I might lose. And then he went. And then the underbelly the underbelly is a technique that can be seen in jujitsu circles as a more demeaning technique is like me trying to, like, really assert I am above you.

00:31:09:06 - 00:31:33:18
Itamar Marani
And I remember when that happened, I got pissed off and I was like, f you, and I immediately was able to like, burst out of it. I ended up getting on top and actually joking about winning the match. And afterwards I was like, Interesting. If you wouldn't have pushed me like that, like emotionally pissed me off, I might have not reacted in one and it was something that I later employed when I'm on the offensive in jujitsu, I try not to take a whole foot from someone.

00:31:33:18 - 00:31:58:13
Itamar Marani
I just try to like inch by inch, make them succeed. Small little things because people are willing to give that up. It's a little psychological too. Like they're not going to give you everything. But if you slowly take a little bit, little bit, little bit like that, a thousand papercut sway people will succeed. And I think it's just part of human nature and it's something that I'm conscious about myself and I think everybody else would benefit as well to recognize where am I not giving myself permission?

00:31:58:16 - 00:32:17:16
Itamar Marani
It's a small thing, but it adds up. So again, that permission line could be at zero. And as soon as something is to frustrate you, you say, Whoa, it, change it, leave it, accept it. What I want to do is here what I want to do about it onwards. I don't have to wait in that vortex of frustration like you called it, because maybe this isn't a big deal.

00:32:17:16 - 00:32:20:17
Itamar Marani
I just gloss over.

00:32:20:19 - 00:32:23:12
Alex De Fina
A lot of sense.

00:32:23:14 - 00:32:45:18
Itamar Marani
And finally, to wrap up all of this in a bow, none of this stuff, I think that we talked about is going to be very impactful for you if you don't. This is like the biggest tip. The biggest hack for anger and frustration is work out consistently. I honestly I look at some entrepreneurs that never exercise and they're just playing life on hard.

00:32:45:20 - 00:33:10:20
Itamar Marani
Like biologically, you're just not releasing all those things. We talk a lot about doing the preemptive work to prepare yourself for hardship, just working out. It's hard to really get angry and frustrated after you've had a hard workout. It's just it's challenging to do that. You kind of get out your testosterone, whatever it may be. And if you're listening to this podcast and all this stuff resonated with you, but you're not working out, recognize it's actually probably the first thing to do.

00:33:10:22 - 00:33:30:03
Itamar Marani
And also a lot of times when you're feeling yourself in that vortex of frustration, like you call that Alex and you find yourself not willing to make that investment and you're paying too much taxes, whatever it may be, let's go for a workout. It can clarify your thinking so much. And it's just one of those ultimate hacks.

00:33:30:05 - 00:33:58:12
Alex De Fina
Totally agree. I think the physical state is often the catalyst for a change in psychological state. It's very easy to do this. No doubt. You do burpees at home, you go for a walk, whatever it is. But changing the physical state, burning of energy you've had at times where I've had something which was a level 11 problem in my head prior to going for a workout, I'm coming away from the workout.

00:33:58:12 - 00:34:10:15
Alex De Fina
What are you doing to me? You realize it's a level one problem or that there's obvious solutions to it. You weren't able to sleep in that heightened emotional state prior to it.

00:34:10:17 - 00:34:34:22
Itamar Marani
Yeah, 100%. So this is what I want to leave with everyone today. Answers of this. What in life is causing you a lot of frustration or anger? Okay, think about that subject then. Like Alex said, go for a workout. Then ask yourself if I gave myself permission to address it regardless if it feels small or like not a big deal.

00:34:35:00 - 00:35:02:06
Itamar Marani
But I actually gave myself permission to address it and I accepted that this investment that I'm making into it is going to be a bit uncomfortable. It's going to be emotionally challenging. What would I tell myself? Hey, this is why do you need to change it? You need to accept it or you need to leave it. If you can follow that process, you can turn anger and frustration into something that's actually productive as a trigger.

00:35:02:08 - 00:35:12:05
Itamar Marani
So one of my expectations is and met this is an alarm, so how can I sell that? And that note will leave you guys today.